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Review content:
I arrived at the banya around noon, not knowing entirely what to expect. I've never been to a Russian banya, so I was prepared to be slightly lost through the experience. As i stepped in, I was greeted by a man with a magnificent beard and a Russian accent. He asked if I had been there before, I said no, and he showed me around. He was very nice and answered all my questions. He explained the different saunas, and the proper way to ""do"" the banya. After furnishing me with a robe, a couple towels, and some sandals, he left me to my own devices and I went into the Russian style sauna. This is a Russian banya after all, so it was an easy choice.
The sauna is hot. 200+ degrees. Every now and then, the giant bear-man who also does massages and the branch-beatings will come in, throw some water with eucalyptus oil around a bit, and make the place smell nice and really make it just a fantastic place to be. It was shockingly easy to breathe in there. After losing a few pounds of water and toxins, I put my robe back on, got a nice pot of green tea, and lounged around for a few with Russian television for background. After a few rounds of this, it was time for my massage.
Jacob, the aforementioned giant bear-man, happens to have magic hands. The massage is well worth the money if you are looking to spoil yourself.
After the massage, i went for another go in the sauna, some more tea, then my next go in the sauna I elected to get beaten with branches. This was the best decision I made past my ""hey I think I'll check out that Russian Banya place"" decision. I should warn you, you will be completely naked for this, and laying on your back for half of it. There might be people in the sauna, there might not be. So, be prepared for that. It is dark in there, and there is a level of human consideration, so people aren't all ""look at that guy he's naked.""
After the thrashing from jovial giant Jacob, you go for the cold plunge. A jump into 42 degree water. A masochistically pleasant shock to the system.
Once my heart rate returned to normal, I perused the menu and ordered the Red Caviar, Russian caviar is famous for being awesome, so I had to try it, and the Russian style meat dumplings. The caviar was salmon eggs and very creamy. Much different than salmon roe you would get at a sushi place. It came with very fresh mozzarella, some tomato slices, lemon slices, and cucumber slices. Also a basket of fresh bread and some salsa arrived at my table. I think you get that if you get food at all. If you like salmon roe, then you have to get it russian style at some point in your life Just from a foodie standpoint, it is a necessity. The meat dumplings were pretty much beef ravioli in a slightly chicken mostly herb broth, served with a side of sour cream.
I also got, what they referred to as, a ""bottle"" of kvas. When I say ""bottle,"" read ""2 liters of friggin kvas all for myself."" It was unexpected in a very good way. The kvas is way low alcohol content, my best guess is 1.5-2%, so downing 2 liters of it is probably the equivalent of 2 beers, or one really good beer... The taste was a bit of prunes on the front, but a glorious bread on the back that was really nice.
The staff was incredibly friendly. Russians have a stigma of being xenophobic and such, but everyone I spoke to was all smiles and very happy to see me and be of service.
Overall, I almost feel bad I have been alive for 28 years and not gone to this place before. Granted, it has only been open for four years, but still...
It was wonderfully relaxing. The food was traditional and very tasty. The staff was delightful and very helpful. I can not wait to go back and spend another entire day in complete comfort and relaxation. I'm going to sleep like a baby lamb tonight... Assuming baby lambs sleep remarkably well
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